Weight loss programs work. Wait, this is news?

Picture, if you will, that for the duration of this article, I am slamming my head repeatedly into the keyboard. My backspace key will be on the fritz by the time this is complete as I clean up the forehead-induced poetry.

So, for reals, people. This is a news article.

For people who are severely obese and struggling with their weight, new research shows weight-loss intervention programs that combine diet and exercise really can work.

Though the benefits of diet and exercise have long been known, these studies show the impact lifestyle changes have on people who are severely obese, said researchers from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.

That means people who can’t afford to or choose to not undergo bariatric surgery have other options that have been shown to be effective, said Dr. Donna Ryan, president of physician and researcher organization The Obesity Society, who was not involved in the studies.

“Most people are very pessimistic about what kind of weight loss you can achieve with lifestyle changes,” Ryan told MyHealthNewsDaily. “But this intervention was in a seriously obese population, and that is the big take-home message: that very heavy people can benefit from lifestyle change.”

I’m going to divert from even trying to comment on this because the only appropriate response from me is 120 HERP DERP HURRR macros. And while that would certainly be entertaining, I am indeed trying to write some kind of worthwhile blog entry here.

Oh what the hell. Have some macros anyway.

But here is where my diversion was leading: the land of fat-acceptance blogs out there in the Internet universe.

Let me clarify what I mean here. There are indeed blogs out there that go beyond loving your body the way it is and fighting against weight-related discrimination. The blogs I speak of are ones that use the “so few people succeed that it’s clearly impossible to lose weight” mentality to create an entire pile of sludge dedicated to insisting that weight loss is futile and we should eschew the idea of making this any sort of priority in our lives.

These sites will tell you that the only sure-fire way to lose weight and keep it off is to have surgery. They will tell you that X approach doesn’t work, Y approach doesn’t work, and tie it all together with hand-picked facts and studies to prove their points. They ignore the psychological reasons why they can’t lose weight and instead focus on how “unrealistic” it is for them to change their eating and fitness habits. In other words, it’s a big party of people who would rather bond together in failure than to actually try.

Yes, they exist. No, I won’t link them here, because I don’t want to give them any web traffic or let them feel as though they are worthy of viewing even for negative purposes. Although I’m happy to say that one of the worst — headed by a published author — has finally shut its doors. Apparently they just ran out of steam. The way I see it, with all the news articles I find daily that back my own personal philosophies and approaches, they didn’t just run out of steam… they ran out of ammunition.

Anyway.

Let’s go back to that whole revolutionary idea that people can lose weight.

In one new study from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, researchers implemented a weight-loss program with 130 severely obese adults, ages 30 to 55, who had a body mass index (BMI) between 35 and 39.9.

The adults in the study were randomly assigned to two groups. One group underwent exercise and diet interventions for 12 months, which consisted of an hour of brisk walking five days a week, or at least 10,000 steps a day, and liquid and pre-packaged meal replacements for certain meals throughout the day.

The other group had the same meal replacements for all 12 months, but were given the exercise instructions during the last six months of the study.

After six months, the group that had both diet and exercise interventions lost more weight. They lost an average of 24 pounds (10.9 kilograms), compared with 18 pounds (8.2 kg) lost by the other group. By the end of the 12-month period, the first group had lost almost 27 pounds (12.1 kg), and the other group lost 22 pounds (9.9 kg), the researchers said.

In the second study, 442 overweight or obese women, ages 18 to 69, were given free prepared meals and weight-loss counseling, or just weight-loss counseling. After two years, the women who received the prepared meals lost about 16 pounds (7.4 kg), whereas the women who had received only the weight-loss counseling lost 4.4 pounds (2 kg), according to the study.

Well, you know, this almost gives those obnoxious anti-weight-loss bloggers some ammunition after all.

None of these individuals had to make any decisions on their own about food choice. Chances are sky-high that after the studies completed, at least 80% of the subjects were regaining.

And you know what else wasn’t mentioned in this particular article, but I found when doing further reading on these studies? They were funded by Jenny Craig.

SCIENCE, STOP DOING THINGS THAT MAKE ME AGREE WITH THESE PEOPLE.

Great, these programs can help you lose weight. Phenomenal. But do they work for long-term weight maintenance? We all know the answer to this. And what is more important? You guessed it: it’s not that initial plunge.

So now I have a whole different motivation for wanting to fill this fucking post with nothing but herp derp. Let’s just line everyone up so that I can start one bitchslap that takes out a room full of people. World, I hate you all.